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I have a fear of speed bumps...
Dad: 'Doc, when this heals, will I be able to play the piano.' Doctor: 'Yes, you'll be fine.'
[When driving in reverse]
[In response to crying child's injury]
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey...
What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
Kid: 'Dad, I'll call you later.'
Waitress clearing a half-eaten plate: 'You want a box for that?'
Looking at a flock of geese: 'Do you know why one side of the 'v' is longer than the other?'
Be careful standing near those trees.
I have a fear of elevators...
You're cold? Sit in the corner.
At the cemetery: 'Did you know the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried here?'
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
R.I.P. boiling water...
I used to have a job at a calendar factory...
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